This week I lost it. After yet another update from the surgeon’s secretary with nothing to say but that my healthcare provider is still squabbling over details, I broke down.
I suppose I’ve been repressing all of the stress, trauma, angst about the brca2 confirmation, the fear of cancer and the worry about surgery, since March. Or even February when I had the test. It all boiled over on Wednesday and I just couldn’t stop crying.
Luckily my boss spotted my state without me having to explain and he sent me home at lunchtime. I cried for an hour or so, slept for an hour or so, then ate chocolate. That helped.
It has taken the rest of the week to get my emotions under control again, but now I feel better. And I’ve started fighting. As it’s a company healthcare policy, HR are chasing it for me and I’ve asked the surgeon’s secretary to follow it up more frequently as well. My boss is adding some pressure internally too.
I thought I’d got away with my crying fits on Wednesday at work, then on Thursday one of my colleagues asked me if I was alright as she’d heard me crying in the toilets. Oops! I just said I obviously wasn’t ok, but I would be.
So, despite the distress I need to revert to my old habit of listing reasons to be happy:
- My boss is understanding and supportive
- I have the best husband in the world, he loves me and hugs me
- My colleagues are also my friends, they all look out for me. Even those I am not close to offer support when they see I need it
- The Muffin-dog is still the cutest ever, she cuddles in and kisses me when I cry (which is surprisingly comforting)
- I will still get the surgery, even if it is taking longer than I hoped
Now, this is Saturday, the man is at work and I need to get on with some studying. More soon.